Learning to Be Content

So here I am again feeling heart broken about not being pregnant. After beating myself up last month for getting my hopes up I let myself go there again this month. I had what couldn't be considered a period. It was just 2 days of spotting and so stupid me thought it could possibly be implantation bleeding. So, after driving myself nuts most of the day yesterday I took a pregnancy test. Big fat "NO" was the resulted. I was a little bummed, but fine until late last night when I completely lost it and started crying. I had so many emotions last night: from sadness to anger, then to feeling guilty about being angry.

I felt so emotionally raw and drained this morning. During the moments that I had to think about all of this craziness I started to think about being content. I wish I could just could be content with what I already have and sometimes I am. About a week ago I can remember laying in bed reading and thinking that I love my life. There are so many good things that I am blessed with. I think that as humans we naturally want what we don't have. It goes back to the saying that "the grass is always greener on the other side."

Somehow we trick ourselves into believing that we will be happy when this happens or when we accomplish that. When we are single we just know that when we are in a relationship or married that we will be happy. Then after we are married we decide that we will be happy when we have kids. After several sleep deprived days, weeks and years happiness is somewhere in the future when the kids move out and we can just be a couple again. And on and on it goes. We are never happy because we are so busy looking toward the future to appreciate all we do have.

As I often try to do when I need comfort I found myself turning to the word of the Lord. There are a few scriptures that really touched me that speak of being content with what is allotted us. In Alma 29:3 & 6 it says "I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted me ... why should I desire more than to perform the work to which I have been called?" It is a righteous desire to be a mother, but maybe it isn't in store for me. I need to learn to be content with God's plan for me.

According to the dictionary to be content means "happy enough with what one has or is; not desiring something more or different; satisfied" The part of this that hits me the most is "happy enough with what one has or is." I need to be happy with both what I have AND who I am.

What I have is: a great family and set of friends, a good job, a knowledge that this life has a purpose, etc.
Who I am is: A fun spunky little blond girl who has always been known for her sunny personality. I am fiercely protective of and loyal to those I care about. I am intellegent. These are some of my good qualities I have many more and I also have plenty of negative characteristics, but that isn't what is important.

Being content doesn't mean that I will stop striving for more. I will always want to be better than I now am and I still will try to increase the size of my family. Being content simply means that I won't make room for self pity.

I know that my search for contentment won't be easy and will have it's periods of improvement and most likely backsliding, but I'm going to stick with it. I plan to be an old lady one day who sits on her front porch swing and looks out on the world with a smile on her face. I will look back at my life and know that I was a force for good. This will be the case whether I am ever a mother or not!