We have an Appointment

Yesterday I got a call from the fertility clinic to set up an appointment.  I was pretty surprised that the nurse took the initiative to call me.  It seems like usually I have to call and play phone tag with her several times before anything gets accomplished. This is partly my fault because I never seem to be near my phone when she calls me.

She reminded me that Soren needs to go in and get tested again (like I'd forgotten, Ha).  I made the appointment for August 16 to give Soren time to get in to do the test.  After him being so upset with me I didn't want to push things and have to cancel the appointment.  I told Soren this gives him 2 weeks to get the test done and that I hope that would be enough time.  He says he will go in and get tested on Monday.  I thought it was nice of him not to procrastinate until the last moment.

I have mixed emotions about the appointment. On one hand it is great to finally be getting somewhere. On the other I am really not looking forward to the exam they are going to give me that day.  I will have to have a regular woman parts exam (not sure why since I just had my pap in December, but whatever).  They are also going to do a vaginal ultrasound, which I've heard isn't fun.  I guess if I survived the HSG I'll be okay though. 

The part I'm the most nervous about is the fact that I'm meeting with a male doctor.  My husband is the only man that has ever seen my lady parts and I was hoping to keep it that way.  I have seriously never understood why a man would become a ob gyn unless he is from a time when women didn't become doctors. Seriously, why would you want to look at lady parts all day unless you are some type of pervert?  Yeah, yeah, I know: so that he can be part of the miracle that is child birth.  I'm fine with that. Just go be involved in the miracle of child birth with some other lady's private parts.  The only thing that is comforting me at all is the fact that this guy isn't just a gyno, he's a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). Somehow the distinction of him being interested in solving infertility makes me feel more comfortable. Hopefully, I can get over my nervousness in the next 2 weeks.  I guess I will have to eventually because I'm going to be examined more during this whole process, both the infertility part and if I ever do become pregnant.

Talk with the Hubby

So, when Soren got home from work last night he apoligized and pretty much expressed everything I said last night in my post. I had to ask him if he had read my blog post. He hadn't so it was kind of funny that he had same thoughts as I did once he had the chance to calm down. He said he realizes that I wasn't trying to embarrass him and that he knows that my blog is kind of like a journal to me. He promised not to read it anymore unless I give him permission.

I was able to help him realize a little bit that telling people what happened with his last test wasn't an effort to embarrass him. I have become super close with a lot of the women who are experiencing infertility along with me and we all share this kind of stuff. I also reminded him that anyone that knows us in real life and reads this blog would never throw his personal info in his face.

So, I guess I will keep blogging since Soren has agreed to respect my privacy. I don't really mind him knowing what I'm posting because I'm not trying to be secretive. I just want him to keep things in perspective in the future. I think he was upset about the post about his sperm analysis because he was already feeling sensitive about the subject. I have tried to assure him that it doesn't make him any less of a man if he can't get me pregnant. I know deep down he probably does think it would make him less of a man. I can understand since many times I have felt like less of a woman because I can't have children. It isn't true, but it doesn't change my insecurities.

So, to make a long story short: we have made up and I'm not going to be leaving the blogging world anytime soon.

Editors retraction

My husband read my blog and was embarrassed by my post on June 23rd. Now he doesn't want to do the second sperm analysis. I really didn't mean to embarrass him. He says that he isn't punishing me by not going in to be tested again, but I feel like I'm being punished even if that isn't the intention. He says he will do the test when he stops feeling embarrassed.

That post was about sharing what was happening in our infertility journey. I was sharing bad news about both of us, not just him. I can understand how he wouldn't be happy about me sharing information he feels is private. It wasn't my intention to paint him in a negative light and I sure wasn't trying to make him look stupid for not knowing that his sample should be transported by keeping it close to his body.

I know that he doesn't want to have to do the sperm analysis and feels like it is horribly embarrassing. I really do appreciate that he was willing to do it for me in the first place. I just wish that he could understand that he isn't the only one that feels violated by this whole process. It sure wasn't fun having someone shove something up my vagina and into my uterus to check things out and it was sure as hell was painful when they blew my uterus up like a balloon while shooting the dye into it. Plus, it was no picnic testing my blood sugar for the last few weeks and having sore fingers. I just want us to go through this whole process together, but he doesn't even what to talk to me about it. At first he wouldn't even tell me what was wrong he just told me that he wouldn't be doing the sperm analysis anytime soon.

The worst part about all of this is I no longer feel like I can freely share my thoughts and feelings on this blog without it coming back to bite me in the butt. I feel like this blog is my journal in a way. It is my outlet so that I don't go crazy and I feel like that has been violated. I'm not sure when I will post again because I no longer feel like this is my safe place. I just wish I had someone to talk to about all of this. I feel so alone right now and don't want to burden anyone by taking time out of their life to listen to me.

Blood Sugar Appointment

So this afternoon was the big appointment where the doctor looked at all my blood sugar levels over the last 2 weeks and decided what the next step would be. I was really nervous about my fasting glucose levels being high. The nurse had suggested that the doctor might put me on medicine to help my body produce insulin.

The appointment ended up going fairly well. I was told that I wouldn't have to take medicine and that they are releasing me to continue infertility treatment. I will still have to follow the diet, but not as strictly. Also, I don't have to take my blood sugar four times a day any more. The doctor now wants me to take my fasting glucose 3 times a week and said I need to call if my numbers are consistently high and she will put me on medicine.

I was also told that "when" ( I would change that to "if") I ever get pregnant I need to call them immediately so that they can be proactive in helping me control gestational diabetes. It seems like they think I will definitely end up with gestational diabetes. I hope they are wrong.

For now I am going to work on losing weight and I hope that my extra weight is the only thing that is causing me to have elevated fasting blood sugar. I will have to call the fertility clinic as soon as Soren does another semen analysis and then we will hopefully be able to actually get something done.

Discussion with the RN

So I actually spoke with the RN last Thursday, but I have been bad about finding time to update. When I talked to her about feeling like I was eating way too much she said that I could cut out the milk at dinner and my bed time snack. I also talked to her about my blood sugar levels. I was worried that my fasting numbers were so high in the morning. All the rest of my numbers during that day looked great, but for some reason my blood sugar is high in the morning before I eat breakfast. She had me try two nights of just having a carb and protein for my snack and then she had me do two nights of just a protein to see how that would affect my numbers. She then instructed me to call her back after I had done that.

I spoke with her again yesterday and my morning numbers are still high. It seems like my body does a little better with having some protein and fiber at night though. My lowest number was one night when I had celery and peanut butter. Our bodies are such weird things. You have to get every little factor just right for them to respond correctly.

My two weeks of dieting and monitoring my blood sugar are almost up. I have an appointment this Friday to check out the data I have collected. The nurse thinks that as long as my morning numbers are below 100 they won't put me on medicine. Here's hoping I can get them under control these last few days. This morning was 98, so I guess I'm on the right track. Hopefully I can continue to lower them. I don't want to be put on medication!

Gestational Diabetes Class

You might remember that I told you that I had to go to a class on gestational diabetes with a bunch of pregnant women. When I talked to the woman on the phone she told me that there would be other women dealing with infertility there. Nope, I was the only one. They started off the class by having us tell our name and how many weeks pregnant we were. I had to say: "I'm Julie and I'm not pregnant." That was a pretty uncomfortable moment.

Going into the class I wasn't that worried about keeping a food diary because I already do that. I figured I just need to keep eating healthy and I would be fine. The part I was worried about was having to use the blood sugar monitor and prick my fingers. Boy did I have it backwards. Using the one touch ultra isn't that difficult and it's kind of cool in a way to know where my blood sugar is at. I'm sure I'll get tired of it by the end of two weeks, but 3 days in it isn't that bad. The part that sucks is the diet they have put me on. It is extremely strict. I can only have a limited number of carbs, no rice, no sugar, fruit only with lunch and dinner, no dairy at breakfast, protein with every meal... I was devastated when they said that we could only have a very limited amount of fruit because I could eat fruit all day. Plus I had just bought several pounds of cherries, now I don't know who will eat all of them.

I had to figure out everything I was going to eat yesterday the night before so I could take it all to work with me. I hope that after the two weeks are up they will let me stop this diet. I kept telling myself I am lucky compared to the women in the class because I don't have to do this for months. I definitely want to lose some weight before I do get pregnant (if that ever happens) to lower my chances of getting gestational diabetes. It is definitely no joke.

I'm worried that this diet is going to keep me from losing weight. Afterall, it is made for pregnant women who need to eat more to support the life growing inside them. I was eating 1400-1500 calories to try to lose weight. Now they have me eating just over 2000 calories every day. When I asked them if I should follow this diet considering I'm not pregnant they said they still want me to. They seem to think that I will still lose weight, just at a slower pace. Wouldn't it be healthier if I got to a normal weight for my height? I ate all the food they asked me to yesterday and it made me feel so stuffed. I had to take my dog on an hour long walk to work some of it off. They have me eating 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. Thay aren't just small snacks either. Here is my afternoon snack from today: 6 club crackers, string cheese, yogurt cup, carrots and celery. That added up to about 400 calories. That's a whole meal!

I think I am going to call and talk to the nurse about this on Monday. I really don't think they should have me eating as much as a pregnant woman.