So Excited

A good friend from my mission is getting married in about a week. I told her months ago that I would definitely try to make it. However, lately I have been worried that I wasn't going to be able to go. I requested the time off of work only to scheduled on the day of her wedding. Over the last few days I have contemplated just calling in sick that day.

However, I'm not going to have to do that now. Everything is coming together! I found someone to take my shift at work. I am so grateful. Also, I have family connections that are getting me a discount at a nearby hotel. It is only going to be $20 a night and it is a really nice hotel. Now all I need is for my best friend to get the okay from her husband to run off with me for a few days.

The wedding is 2 states away and I'm going to hopefully be able to see a bunch of other people from my mission that I haven't seen in years. The time can't go by fast enough. All I have to say is: ROAD TRIP!

Bruise on my Bum

I managed to give myself a massive bruise while at work on Saturday. It happened because I was trying to hurry and I was cutting corners. Go ahead: give me a slap on the hand. I was being a bad girl.

Want to hear the details? Ready or not here they are:

I was in the stock room trying to find a specific sheet set for a customer. The shelf with the sheets was too high for me to thoroughly look through the sheets on the back of the shelf. I didn't want to take the time to find a step stool so I just climbed the shelves.

Everything was fine until I decided to get down. I wasn't that far off the ground so I squatted a little while holding onto the shelf and then decided to hop down the rest of the way. This would have worked out perfect if there wasn't a large cloth tote ( we are talking 3 ft x 4 ft and about 4 ft deep) right behind me. Before my feet could touch the ground I landed on the corner of the tote with my left butt cheek. Oh my gosh was it painful. I had to take a minute to hold back the tears and regain composure. Then when I walked out I had to try not to walk funny.

I went in the employee restroom a while later to check out the damage. At this point the area was bright red and I knew I was going to get a pretty nasty bruise. Sure enough the whole area is now dark purple and it hurts like crazy to sit down. I think I need a pillow to sit on or something.

If only I had been more careful ... but then I wouldn't have this funny story to tell all of you. Maybe in the future I will have to tell you more stupid things I've done. Like the time I forgot to put on deodorant and thought it would be a good idea to use the air freshener at work.

It's hot!

I'm sure there are some of you that would love to change weather with me, but I'm going to complain anyway. It is over 90 degrees today! That is way too hot for April. It should be in the 70's. I wondering if we are setting some kind of record today for the high.

I was going to do some more clearing of the planter and plant some more of my veggies but that is now out of the question. They will just have to wait until the weather is a little cooler for me to go out there. I'm not afraid of getting sweaty, but I'm not going to fry myself over something that can wait a little while longer.

I did still manage to get a lot done today. I was out running errands for a few hours this afternoon and I think I completed everything that needed to be done today except for the laundry. On that note, I better go check on the laundry. It is probably time to put another load in the dryer.

Changes

Just to let everyone know I have decided to change my playlist so that it doesn't automatically start the music when you come to my page. I know it drives some people nuts to have to turn the music off. I can relate because I always have to remember to pause my own music before going to some friend's blogs or I start hearing a cacophony of music. Still, I love my new music selections and I encourage you all to check them out.

Worst night ever

Disclaimer: some parts of this post may be gross. I will try not to go into too much detail.

I woke up at about 1:30 this morning with horrible pains in my stomach. At first it seemed like maybe it was just gas so I went to the bathroom to try to relieve some of the pressure. After sitting there a minute I started feeling extremely hot, nauseous, and dizzy. Then, all of the sudden I started violently throwing up all over the floor. I didn't have a chance to grab the trash can or anything. All I could do was continue to trow up for the next few minutes.

Soren heard me and came over to help and somehow I managed to tell him not to come over in between throwing up. (It was pretty gross having my dinner on the floor in front of me and I didn't want him to have to see it.) He came over anyway with a bowl for me to finish throwing up in.

When I was done he told me he would clean it up. I told him "no, I clean it up," as I was bawling. (I wasn't exactly in a state of mind to use correct grammar.) I don't know why I was even crying. It was probably a mixture of feeling physically horrible mixed with relief that I felt I felt a little better and being embarrassed that Soren had to see something so nasty coming out of me.

Soren wouldn't take no for an answer and he helped me get cleaned up enough to lay down on our bed while he clean up the mess in the bathroom. I am so grateful to Soren for being willing to clean up the bathroom for me. My love for him has grown a little bit since last night. It truly is love when you will clean up someone else's barf. (I commented to him this morning that I bet he didn't think he had signed up for this when we got married.)

The rest of the night I woke every 30 minutes - 1 hour in pain or feeling like I was going to throw up again. I kept a bowl on my night stand just in case I needed it. I hope I never have to repeat another night like that again. I called in sick to work today because I was absolutely exhausted and I still don't feel completely better yet.

The Cuteness Contest

My husband and I have an ongoing contest over who is cuter. He started it all and he claims that while I am definitely a cute person, that his cuteness level is far higher than mine. Most of his cuteness comes from his personality. Still he has his moments when he just looks downright cute. Right now is one of those times.

He is utterly exhausted this afternoon. He fell asleep on the way home just like you would expect a baby to. I woke him up just long enough to get him in the house and he went straight to bed. Anyway, I just went into our bedroom and couldn't resist taking a picture of him sleeping. Hopefully he won't be mad at me for posting it. (Or at least he won't find out.)

I had to resist the temptation to snuggle up next to him. He just won this round of the contest without even trying.

It All Comes in Spurts

I apologize for the fact that I post nothing for a week and then all of the sudden I have a ton of things to say. I wish I could space it out a little more. My inspiration always seems to come all at once. Does this happen to anyone else?

Any way, I just wanted to get on and let everyone know I'm doing good. My overall outlook on life has seemed to improve. I still hate my job, but hopefully it will hold me over until I can find something better.

Well, I just wanted to post a short update. Nothing has happened this week that is worthy of being posted.

What's under your couch

Today we were clearing out some of the furniture in our Living Room. My mother-in-law gave us a couch and love seat set so we decided to get rid of the couch that was in the room. (It has a hideous flower print all over it.) As is to be expected there were a few things hiding under the couch. It actually wasn't as bad under there as I expected. One thing we did find was a VHS movie called "Caught in the Work." None of us knew what it was and my dad asked me if it was a church video.

Well, it was the complete opposite of a church video. As I was carrying it to get rid of it later in the day I noticed that on the tape it said: "All models appearing in the visual depiction of actual sexual conduct displayed on this box or contained in this video are over 18 years."

We had a porno under the couch! I have no idea where it came from. We don't watch pornos and even if we did I don't think we would be watching them in the living room where there isn't even a TV.

I had to share this with you all since I thought it was somewhat funny and disturbing at the same time. The movie is now in it's new home the garbage can.

Better in time

For some reason the song "Better in time" by Leona Lewis is sounding very inspirational to me right now. Even though the lyrics about moving on after a break up have nothing to do with my situation (no, I'm not leaving my hubby), they are oddly comforting to me and even make me feel somewhat empowered.

Here are lines that really touched me:

"It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you...

[Chorus]

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's going to hurt when it heals too
Oh yeah (It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile because I deserve to
Oh (It'll all get better in time)

No matter how hard it is
I will be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's going to hurt when it heals too
Oh yeah (It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile because I deserve to
Oh (It'll all get better in time)"

Okay, now let me explain why this song fits how I feel. It describes how this whole process of trying to conceive is emotional and painful.

• It seems like a long time that I've been trying to have a baby and I have nothing to show for it (It's been the longest winter without you).


• Even though this whole process stinks and there have been many times I have wished that I could just get rid of the desire to have children and move on with my life, it is easier said than done (See somehow I can't forget you)


• I know someday I might have to face the fact that we can't have kids and I will have to try to heal and move on with my life. Even then I know there will be scars and an ache in my heart that remain (It's going to hurt when it heals too).


• This next part may sound weird to some of you. I desperately love the children I don't have and may never have (Even though I really love you). There is so much room for love in my heart. I think one of the hardest parts about infertility for me is that I have already made room in my heart for children. Now it seems that I have to try to deal with having a hole in my heart.


• Here's the empowering part: I'm going to be okay. I know I will survive whatever happens (No matter how hard it is I will be fine without you. It'll all get better in time) and that I will find joy in life (I'm gonna smile because I deserve to). I will get my sunshine back. I'm not going to settle with being self pitying and pessimistic.

If you want to read all the lyrics you can click here. You can also listen to the song on my blog. The song is in my playlist.

My writer's block is over for now

Sorry for the flood of posts. You will need to go down about three posts to start with the first one I posted tonight. I really couldn't think of anything to post about this last week. All my inspiration seems to have come to me in the last day or two. Hopefully you won't get so tired of all the junk I've said that you will skip reading it.

Actually, even if no one reads any of it at least it was therapeutic to get it all out. I guess maybe I don't need a person to be my counselor. I have pretty good one right here with my blog.

One good thing (well maybe two)

Maybe you haven't noticed by my last few posts, but I'm feeling a bit down lately. I just don't feel I have much going for me right now. We are in a ton of debt from all the student loans we took out for school, we have no good job prospects to help us pay all these crappy loans that were supposed to help us move on to bigger and better things, and I am working for a blood sucking company.


I might have sunk into a self pity pile of worthlessness by this point if there wasn't something to look forward to. I honestly think my garden is helping me to keep going. Every day when I go out there and see how great the plants are doing it makes me feel like there is something I'm doing right in my life. It just feels so good to be able to grow and nurture something. It is also somewhat fun to play in the dirt since I never really did that as a kid. (I was a little girl that hated being dirty.) Clearing out the planter is coming along nicely and every couple days I get more and more veggies planted in it.



To all my friends out there: You keep me going too. Knowing that there are such amazing people (especially you Megan) that want to my friend helps me remember that I must be a pretty cool person myself. You all help me keep it all in perspective and realize that while things suck now they won't always.

My husband thinks I'm crazy

As wonderful as Soren is I guess he isn't able to support me in my baby craziness right now. As I mentioned in my previous post I am upset about the fact that I will not be getting health insurance with my job. Well, I mentioned something about this and he walked out of the room.



A few days before he told me he wants to be supportive, but he is so stressed out himself right now that he doesn't know how to help me. He feels really guilty about the fact that I can't get pregnant. (Even though we have no idea what the cause is at this point. It could be all me.) He told me that he thought I needed to go to counseling so I could talk to someone about all my feelings and frustrations and maybe have some help working through them.



I guess this would be helpful, but the pessimistic part of me that has developed from being infertile just figures I'll get some fertile woman for a counselor who has no clue and she will just say stupid and hurtful things to me. Oh how I wish I could have a postive attitude about this. My friend's nickname for me used to be "Sunshine" because I was always so happy and optimistic. I want to be happy again so I will give counseling a try. I just hope it works out for the best.

I HATE My Job

I know I should be grateful to even have a job with how sucky the economy is, but I still despise the company I'm working for. I feel so used and deceived. As you may recall I worked for TJ Maxx for two years. It was okay, but there were so many things that ticked me off while I worked there. This last summer I reached me breaking point of how much junk I could take from them and decided to find a new job for the last 4 months we were in Grand Forks. Well, then we graduated and moved back to California.

While I am so happy to be back in my lovely home state, the economy is in the crapper right now. We have both had the hardest time finding jobs with our newly acquired bachelor's degrees. Most jobs we find in the classifieds are for very specific things, requiring very specific degrees, and wanting at least 5 years experience. Needless to say, we don't really fit the mould for these positions.

One thing I do have a lot of experience in is retail. I worked my way through college doing retail and so I figured that I could at least fall back on that experience until there were some jobs that my degree qualifies me for opening up. A few weeks ago I was offered a position as a Coordinator (same thing as a Department Manager at other retail places) at Marshalls. They are owned by the same company as TJ Maxx so I am even starting the job with some idea of what they want from me. This position pays next to nothing. When I tried to negotiate my hourly wage they made excuses about the economy and payroll, blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, I accepted the position because I was getting desperate for some income and I figure something was better than nothing. Plus Coordinator was supposed to be full-time so I figured I would get health ins and could maybe figure out the infertility stuff.

Well, yesterday one of the managers was introducing me to someone else in the store and said: "This is Julie. She is going to be a part-time coordinator in the store." I responded: "I better not be part-time. This is supposed to be a full-time position." She then said: "Maybe I wrong. We'll have to check with one of the other managers." Then her voice trailed off.

I got off work before the manager I needed to speak with came in so I called back later in the day and she confirmed that I am in fact part-time. She also said most of their coordinators are part-time. Excuse my language, but WHAT THE HELL! All the coordinators at the TJ Maxx I worked at were full-time. I can not even express how pissed off this makes me. I guess this is just one more way for this devil company to screw over their employees. No full-time status means no health insurance and half the monthly pay I was planning on.

I Hate this company. I hope they fail miserably. I don't think I will ever buy another thing from them and I plead with all of you to stop buying anything from TJ Maxx, Marshalls, AJ Wright, Homegoods, or Bob's stores until they start treating their employees as more than something to walk all over.

I am stuck there until I find something better (wow, that makes me feel so depressed), but I'm outta there the second something else (anything else) comes along. Until then I think every time one of the managers speaks to me I will answer with "Yes, Satan?"